Update 2020-2021

A bunch of shit went down.

I have decided rather than rushing to get out holiday cards this year (they would undoubtedly be late, due to the date), I would update my blog and anyone interested in getting all caught up could do so here. Also, very honestly, I am still trying to process everything and writing may help me do so. 

As many of you all know, 2020 sucked ass. I’ll itemize the big stuff:

Jan 2020: my beloved mongrel, Jackson, escaped the house and was hit and killed.

Mar 2020: Took my kids on vacation and then the world shut down due to COVID. Life changed for everyone. 

May 2020: A death in the family

Aug 2020: My pal Bob died suddenly

Oct 2020: My family’s life changed forever when we lost my dad, Don Shannon

Throughout all  that, job and interpersonal stress stole away the passion and joy I had previously experienced as treatment court coordinator, I was working too much trying to grow my dog grooming business and make enough money to be able to breathe, and my youngest forfeited his school year…my poor extrovert was forced to live in social isolation. We were all grieving a year lost, lives changed, and the losses we had experienced. Grief changes you. 

There were some bright spots: My oldest was accepted to OU, I had amazing friendships and experiences that helped shape my mind in ways that quite literally helped me get through the darkness, and I learned how to play–pour painting, listening to music, spending time with my family, and funny enough, I started to like myself. I even got brave enough to do a boudoir session and get my nose pierced! For the first time in as long as I remember, the world slowed down–and while it WAS stressful, I was able to grasp the things that truly matter: family, taking care of my wellness, and reimagining what was good for me and identifying what was harmful.

Another incredibly bright spot was that I decided to try dating again and met my guy using an online dating app. We have been dating for 18 months and  I can honestly report that I am better for this relationship. It’s nice to laugh, feel attractive, be an epic nerd, and to experience intellectual gratification in love. I am a lucky woman. 

2021 has been one of growth and change. Staying in Cordell after all the loss, all the grief, became a painful pantomime of living. It felt as though there were no real reason to be there since the heart of why I was there had been extinguished. I had lived there since 1995, never asking myself why I hadn’t left. He was the one that made it feel like home. It didn’t help that I had started feeling incredibly frustrated by things at work and lack of opportunity. I had become weary of the years-long grind of mere existence but not thriving. So I did something really brave (for me): I decided to make change happen, and I was terrified. I started therapy, I looked for jobs in the metro, I fixed up my house and put it on the market, and I leaned into the unknown–and found an adventure! Things seemed to fall into place. I secured an incredible job making well over what I had made in the past, I found a cozy apartment, and I moved my youngest and I to Edmond in June. We were two hours away from home, two hours away from security and support and familiarity and damnit, I am freaking alive for the first time in a very long time. 

Don’t get me wrong, this country bumpkin had a lot to learn. Traffic is a real ‘ho here. There are people everywhere. However, the anonymity of living in a city, minding my own business, and not trying to fit into whatever mold I felt I had to fit in Cordell was gone. 

The move has been good for me. I was able to lose 30 pounds, lower my blood pressure, and learn to trust myself, which was the biggest of those three. I learned that I am capable. I pay the bills, do the parenting (emotional labor and financial things), and at the end of the day I can tell myself I did okay. I made the right choice. Life is funny, and if it weren’t for the pain of 2020, I wouldn’t have made these changes. It feels so damned good. 

My relationship with my guy is growing and seems to hold some great potential for the future. I am, in this relationship, free to be the woman I am without having to mute myself, reduce myself, diminish myself in any way.  No red flags so far, either. Just a good to the bone man with the kindest heart and eyes. Holding his hand feels like coming home. I got lucky. 

My youngest struggled with the move but is adjusting. My oldest struggled with his move but is adjusting. Both are fierce, resilient, intelligent young men that are some of the best humans one could ever encounter. I am so proud of them both. 

Let me tell you, growth is contagious. Mom has decided to move on and make some big changes. I have friends that are questioning the boxes in which they have imprisoned themselves. 

My holiday message/update to my lovely friends and family: Take a deep breath and lean into change. Take a leap. Life is too short to hesitate away, and those people who want you to follow the script don’t matter much when you look in the rearview mirror. Don taught me this: live your life fully, do and be good, and remember to have fun. I am humbled and grateful and honored to have been lucky enough to have encountered him on my journey. 

Sending all my love to friends and family, and I hope some great things happen for each of you in the New Year!